It's the little things

I've been in pain for 3 weeks now....2 weeks of neck pain, 1 week of low back pain.  Needless to say, I've had enough!  But, through the pain and frustration comes realization- it's the little things that make life matter.  It's the little things that I take for granted...things that I do normally without thinking, simply because I can.  It's the little moments that are carved into our memories.  It's the little things that make me smile, laugh or sometimes cry.  It's the little things that accumulate into big things.  Every day is filled with little moments that create a day, week, month, year, and then...a lifetime.

Most of all, it's the little steps of obedience that lead us into God's will and plan for our lives.  Looking back over the past few years I see periods of time when I was so on fire for God...serving, praying, seeking and building a solid relationship with my heavenly Father.   And then I look back at the past year or so.  It's in the reflection of this year that I see my faith has "dulled", I've not been serving as much, praying enough, seeking fervently...basically I've gotten lazy- better yet, I've become content.

And so, through the pain I've been experiencing over the past 3 weeks, I've spent a lot of time asking God, WHY?  Asking for his help, and healing.  I've had conversations with God that were tearful and I've told him that I know there is always a reason, always a purpose for the things that we walk through.  I've asked him for answers and explanations.  As pain or suffering will often do....it brought me closer to God.  And now...he has reignited the fire that had been dimmed.  He has shown me that he really is nearby, all the time...listening and loving me even when I'm too busy to slow down and feel it.  He is causing me to draw near to him and he is filling up the empty places. One of my favorite worship songs says it best...

"The more I seek you...the more I find you.

The more I find you...the more I love you.

I want to sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand

Lay back against you and breathe, feel your heartbeat.

This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand

I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming."

And so I've gotten what I believe to be my answer to the question...why God?  Why have I had to hurt so intensely? What's the purpose of ongoing pain like this? Why won't you just heal me and make me whole so that I can get back to my life?  Because this pain has made me stronger, when I drew near to him and began seeking his will for my life instead of my own- it strengthened my relationship God.  Because it makes me slow down and pay attention to the little things that I so often forget or neglect in "busyness" of life.  Because it's not all the THINGS that I can do, or keep done that matter.  Sometimes it's just about slowing down and enjoying the little things that God places in my path to bless me (I'm sad to say I've missed out on quite a few blessings because they have slipped by, ignored because I was simply to busy).  Because I need to pay closer attention to the little things that God is doing all around me...

I am recovering well from the back pain thanks to the "slowing down" I've been forced to do.  I believe I'm getting my healing through the power of God, no doubt.  It's just not on my terms...I want it to be instant but God is teaching me through the process.  It's not about what I want...it's about what God wants.

It's the little things.  I have 2 girls watching, growing and learning from me.  A lot of what they see (or don't see) me do or say will determine how they respond to God's call for their lives. And so, I resolve pay more attention to the little things...

First day of fall=FUN!

It's almost impossible to believe summer is over already!!  But with the beginning of a new season comes new resolve from this Mommy....less TV time, more adventure!  One of my family's "worst" habits (I say worst that way because this is simply my opinion) is that we spend a LOT of time with the TV on in our house, even when we aren't watching it, it's on and it's background noise.  For some odd reason, this has really started to bug me- so I decided to make some changes.  There's simply way to much to do, too many memories to be made...

Friday September 23, 2011= first day of fall. Luckily, I am off on Fridays so I had planned to make this day fabulous!  And then we wake up, and it's raining...BOO!  I knew Adison was going to wake up disappointed that we couldn't go out on our fall exploration walk since it was raining, but I had other things planned we could do inside and hoped that the rain would stop soon!  After sending Krystin off to school, I set out to get some housework done before little Miss Adison decided to wake up.  I didn't get much done before I heard the sound of her little footsteps running across the house, she peeps her head around the corner of my bathroom where I am cleaning and exclaims "Mommy, I slept good and I'm awake."  I stopped what I was doing and sat down in the floor to get me some cuddle love- as always I told her how much I missed her while she was sleeping.  (On a sidenote: she climbs in my lap, feels of my legs and tells me my legs are too "picky"-leave it to my 3 year old to tell me it's time to shave...LOL)  Since I didn't get much done before she woke up, I decided to allow her to watch a couple of educational cartoons on Disney Junior while I finished up.  She climbs up on the couch and luckily, one of her favorite shows was on...Jake and the Neverland Pirates (too cute). 

Once I got to a stopping place we got started on a fall craft to celebrate the first day of fall...a paper bag scarecrow!  She was so excited.  I gathered all the necessary materials and we got started.  First we did a fall picture matching worksheet and Adison did very well drawing her lines and matching the pictures that were the same.  Each time she would give me a high five and say "oh yea!"....too cute!  The paper bag scarecrow was a success and turned out great...although I had to do the cutting for her, Adison stuffed the bag, drew the "googly eyes", traced the shapes for me to cut and helped glue and tape everything in place.  She is very determined and knows just how she wants things.  Once we were done, it was time for lunch and a rest (we aren't allowed to call it naptime, Adison prefers the term "rest"). 

By the time Adison awoke from her nap, her Sissy was home from school, the rain had stopped and the sun had been out long enough to dry things up a bit.  So we set out on a first day of fall exploration walk in the woods.  These are the times it comes in handy to live on a farm with plenty of woods to explore...we didn't have to go anywhere!  Adi had her bucket in hand and Krystin had her bag for collecting fall treasures.  As we hiked through the woods, every discovery Adi made was a huge one and Krystin and I couldn't help but giggle at how she would gasp and WOW each unique leaf, acorn or pine cone as if it were the coolest thing she'd ever seen.  I love this age and the intensity of her emotions (although I prefer the happy emotions vs. others).  I was impressed with Krystin's willingness to participate in something that might have been "boring" to any other teenager...she pretty much makes a good time out of whatever she is doing and I respect that.  One of my favorite moments was when Adison pointed out an acorn in the dirt...I told her to pick it up and put it in her bucket...she stops, looks up at me with a very serious expression on her face and says "Are you SURE it's not poopy Mom?"  Oh my goodness...I almost laid down and rolled right there in the middle of the woods.  Only my child would make such a comparison between an acorn and poop....although it was a legitimate question considering we were hiking the horse trails where plenty of poop gifts had been left.  Classic moment!

Each of the girls collected plenty of treasures and we plan to make a fall leaf book out of their favorite leaves in the next few days.  Here are some of my favorite shots of the fun...

First day of fall was a memorable one...this one goes down as a success!

Dear angel girls,
I had so much fun with you today, watching you makes my heart smile. Spending time with you is my favorite thing!  Don't ever stop appreciating the little things...always remember to make the most fun out of every situation!  I love you both to bits and pieces!
Love,
Mommy

Conversations with my 13 year old...

I am very proud to say that Krystin and I are close...we LOVE to talk.  Not only do we love to talk with spoken word but we recently began a journal called "Just between us" (very cool but yes...it's private so I won't share), this journal journey will be another gateway for communication and sharing between us as she grows.

Some of our conversations are silly and we often end up laughing until we cry.  Some of our conversations are open and honest and we share how we make one another feel sometimes.  Some of our conversations are about boys (yes, my 13 year old TALKS to me about boys).  The list goes on because our conversations are numerous and often sift away into my memory bank.  Others stand out...

Talking to Krystin and "sharing" life with her makes me realize very quickly that my kids face a whole new (and very different) set of challenges than I ever did.  For instance...first day of 8th grade...afterschool I always meet her at cheerleading practice...that day I could immediately read all over her demeanor and expression that something was wrong.  After practice she shares with me that some girl had ruined her day by starting a rumor.  Problem for me as Mommy = this was no "old school" rumor like I used to face.  No, this rumor made me cringe....someone was telling other kids that Krystin was pregnant (remember, this is 8TH GRADE).  Now, if you know my daughter, this will simply make you giggle because she is still the picture of innocence and purity.  But for Krystin, this was devastating and rattled her in a way that I had never seen before.  I wanted so desperately to take away the hurt for her but couldn't...I could only encourage and be there for her.  What's even worse than the hurt though...was the shame that I could see her feeling....and for WHAT?  She hadn't done anything to be ashamed of but yet...she felt it.  Of course we talked about it and even bounced it off another mom and daughter "team" that we love and respect very much (thanks Jill and Paige) and she resolved to turn the other cheek and walk away.  When approached by the girl who started the rumor, she would simply walk away-nothing said.  I encouraged her and reminded her that truth would prevail...she should hold her head high and go on with her life at school.  And then of course, I went to war...in prayer!  Long story short...over the course of the next few days the problem resolved itself through a series of events which ultimately resulted in a change of schedule for Krystin.  I must say...I am very proud of my girl...for standing strong, for walking away and for being the better person.  I am very blessed to be the mother of such an amazing young lady.

On a much lighter note I will share another conversation we had (yesterday as a matter of fact) that made my heart smile.  We were just chatting over a couple of tacos at our favorite little mexican joint when she brought up how lucky she was to have some really great friends in her world.  And she's right, she does.  I told her how God often places people in our "world" when we need them and how we should be thankful for the gifts of friendship like that.  We continued to talk and I told Krystin that she also has to remember that often the people God places in life are to lift her or build her BUT, she must also be attentive to why God placed her in their life.  What role or influence would he have her to play in their world?  I encouraged her to be aware of opportunities to speak life, encourage and be what God has called her to be to THAT person.  Oh yes, that was deep but I saw a light bulb go off in her head and I knew it meant something to her.

So many times in conversations with my 13 year old, I am being "MOM".  I am listening, leading, guiding, teaching and offering advice.  Basically, I am being the grown up.  Underneath that though...she is listening, leading, guiding, teaching and offering advice to me...and she doesn't even know she's doing it.  God is using her to reveal things to me too.  I love being her mom and believe it or not....I don't dread these teenage years at all, why would I?  We are growing, learning and living...TOGETHER!  And what an amazing journey it will be!

Dear Krystin,
Keep up the good work.  You are an amazing young lady and God is going to use you in ways that you cannot even fathom right now.  Dream BIG and go after what God has made you for!  Don't ever forget who you are and WHOSE you are.  You are God's princess...and you are my princess.  You are cherished, you are loved and I will ALWAYS be here for you!  Don't ever stop talking (wink wink)...
Love,
Mommy

Sweet Dreams Princess....

I admire and desire the trusting nature of a child.  If we could "hold on" to that trusting nature into adulthood...our lives would be so different.  Example: we recently bought a book for Adison to read at bedtime titled "Sweet Dreams Princess"...a biblical devotional for young girls.  Many nights we sit in Adison's room with her and read her a bible story that then leads into a discussion about the story and how it relates to a young girls life.  The conversations are so precious and the trust that Adison has in God because of what she's being taught is inspiring.  Usually it is Mommy/Daughter time but sometimes Brad and/or Krystin will join us.

Sissy reading to Adison...special times!

By the time we reach the end of the devotional and discussion there is a segment that prompts a prayer or praise time.  Those are the moments I treasure!  Adison raises her hands towards heaven and declares her love for Jesus with such conviction that it brings tears to my eyes!  If you ask her where Jesus lives, she'll tell you "in my heart" (in the cutest little voice EVER), if you ask her what Jesus did for her she'll tell you "he died on the cross because he loves us"....remarkable!  She knows these things beyond a shadow of a doubt because she trusts.  I believe that children have a unique connection with the heavens and can see things that us doubting adults cannot.  Adison will often tell me that angels watch over her bed when she's sleeping and one night as I was praying over her, I felt the presence of God so strong in her room and Adison looks up at me to say "Mommy, I feel Jesus".   It literally took my breath away.  I pray that closeness stays with Adison for the rest of her life.   It is these precious moments that I treasure!

The other night after Krystin, Adi and I read her devotion together and had our praise session (where instead of saying HalleluJah, Adi shouts HalleluLah....hilarious and sweet!)...Adison asked her sissy to read to her and chose a book called "Love your neighbor" and they sat together reading and enjoying each others company.  I love times like these because for a bit...they aren't fighting!  Whew.

The undoubting trust that my children place in me as a parent inspires me.  It reminds me that God desires that same trust from me.  You see, for the past 9 or 10 days now I have been dealing with intense neck pain that has brought me to tears (not typical if you know me).  When I am sick or in pain, I may complain a little but for the most part I will push through, after all, as wife & mommy there's SO much to do!  This time there was no pushing through...the pain has simply been to much for me and I have had to miss 2 days of work and neglect some of the housework and fun time that is typical for our household.  I have had to make very intentional attitude self checks because I catch myself being "short" or grumpy and not wanting to deal with anything.  Two nights ago I went to bed feeling much better, as a matter of fact I had felt better that day than I had since my neck started hurting, but awoke at 3:30am in such pain that I broke down crying and could not stop (not a moment I'm proud of!).  I stayed home from work yesterday and found myself praying harder for healing than I had prayed yet.  I've been praying for healing and looking for God to do it "my way" and make me better but yesterday during my tearful prayer I felt his presence, and his peace.  Soon after that it was like he started handing me answers...his way.  This healing was not going to come instantly but I discovered that if I would just TRUST, God was going to guide me to healing.  I went to the doctor yesterday and found out that I had a rib out of place (which he fixed), a pinched nerve in my neck and a herniated disc at C7.  Answers and relief!  Thank you Jesus.

My children inspire me and my God works through them so often.  Honestly, I think he speaks through them sometimes.  As my children grow and learn, I will learn and be changed in the process and I will try to trust like they trust, believe like they believe and LIVE FABULOUS!

Dear angel girls,
Thank you for being such an inspiration! I am a better person because you are my children.  Don't ever stop trusting and relying on God for he is always working for your good! You are amazing!
Love,
Mommy

May I introduce to you...

My Savior, Jesus Christ.  He is everything to me.  He loved me enough to save me despite my undeserving ways and he continues to love me through this life despite my repetitive mistakes.  Because of him and what he did for me, I am given  freedom to walk in grace and peace. With his guidance I strive to be all that he has called me to be.  He deserves all of the credit, all of the praise and all of the glory for all the blessings in my life!

My husband, Brad Wright.  He is incredible, he is amazing, he is all I have ever dreamed of- God made him just for me!  It may sound generic but I'll say it anyway...Brad is the BESTUS husband in the whole wide world!  He is also an awesome daddy/stepdad to his girls...a pillar of strength, a ball full of fun, a superhero, a well of knowledge-advise and wisdom. When people describe their spouse as their "other half" I just giggle because when I think of Brad I think of my "BETTER half".  He inspires, encourages, supports and prays for our little family every day.  He quietly strives to be a man of God and I admire that about him.  Aside from all that other awesome stuff he is also HILARIOUS, he keeps me laughing through the ups and downs of this life.  I love this man....can you tell?

My oldest daughter, Krystin.  She is definitely the best Krystin there ever was!  She is 13 years old and is one of a kind- I love everything about her, inside and out!  She is my angel, undeniably a gift from above... beautiful, compassionate, caring, and strong.  She has been an absolute pleasure to raise so far....as a baby and toddler she was quiet and happy, always content watching the world go by and observing everything about it.  She enjoyed being in my arms or on my hip and was not in a hurry to become independent.  Elementary school was a breeze- teachers loved her, she did well in her studies and her behavior was always exemplary (minus the over-talkative nature...no idea where she got that...haha).  She began all-star cheerleading at the age of 4 and continued until she was almost 10 and may I say, she is a NATURAL!  We enjoyed several years of mommy/daughter trips (I was a single mom through the majority of these years) to competitions where we made memories that we still look back and giggle about today.  She is now an 8th grader and yes, she is still a cheerleader.  Middle school has had its fair share of challenges but overall...I can't complain, it's a tough age for anyone to endure!  She is still a great student and as I watch her grow and mature, I am so extremely proud of her.  Our mommy/daughter adventure for this chapter of life is still cheerleading (I am the assistant coach of her middle school squad) but we have added barrel racing to the list as well.  She has been doing it longer than me and is much better at it...she has qualified for youth worlds 3 years in a row and has even started to win some money this year!  She is good at anything she puts her hands to (yes I will admit, I am a bit jealous)! Every day she amazes me with her graciousness, her forgiving nature and her nurturing spirit.  God definitely has a call on this child's life and I cannot wait to watch her walk out all that he has planned for her.  Did I mention she's also an amazing big sister?

Which brings us to my youngest daughter Adison who is 3 years old. (Yes, I have a decade between my children...and God knew what he was doing when he did that!)  My Adi girl is the best Adi there ever was!  She is a bundle of energy and entertainment. She is courageous, determined & well...extremely smart for her age (if I do say so myself, wink wink).  Oh yea, and very vocal!  This girl loves to talk and has been able to carry on an adult conversation since the age of 2!  She makes us laugh, A LOT and is a ray of sunshine in every day.  This child is an amazing mixture of mine and Brad's personalities which can be interesting at times. Raising Adison has been a bit more of a challenge which makes me glad that I had her a little later in life...my patience is much better now. As an infant, she had what some would call colic and cried a lot but once we found the right combination of formula and bottle things improved.  When she was born she had a head of hair that impressed everyone and now it is all the way down her back- she never lost it like most infants.  Her hair is probably one of her trademarks because it is the first thing that most people comment on when they see her (besides her beauty of course)!  This child is so full of life that she inspires me to "live it up"!  Even with all of her vibrant energy, she still enjoys covering mommy and daddy in hugs and kisses.  She is such a little lover and doesn't hold back her affection...this I love!  She has an amazing sense of rhythm for 3 years old and loves to sing or dance which is why we recently put her in ballet.  Oh yes, this girl is prima ballerina bound.

And then there is ME...the extremely blessed wife and Mommy! Aside from being wife and Mommy, I work a full time (very demanding) job as practice manager of a 3 provider family practice.  My days start between 4:30 and 5 am and end...well that varies tremendously but usually not until 10 or 11pm.  I love fitness which is an interesting story because I used to HATE exercise but... in January 2011 I resolved to get in shape and loose weight so that I could enjoy this life again (at that point I was simply not happy with myself).  Since January, I have been exercising (cardio/strength training combined) 4-5 days per week and have lost 27 pounds & 3 pant sizes!  I feel like myself again! I'm loving this fitness journey and I will never stop! I am also eating right and taking care of myself with a naturalistic approach (supplements/accupuncture/organic foods etc...).  Let's see....what else??? Oh yes, I LOVE HORSES and am very lucky to live on family property where my Dad runs a barn/boarding business.  We currently have 22 or 23 horses on the places (not sure exactly). I love to ride and have recently began barrel racing with Krystin (I am an adrenaline junkie!)  My horses name is Whiskey and he is the "other" man in my life...I LOVE HIM!  We spend many evenings practicing and many Saturdays at the races and I love every minute of it.  As if there were time for anymore....I am the assistant cheerleading coach at AC Reynolds Middle School which is so much fun.  Our squad is a group of 12 sweet girls who put a smile on my face every day.  They are so much fun to be around and I so enjoy watching their eagerness to learn and improve their skills.  There's also church where we are involved and engaged in various areas.  As you can see, busy is an understatement!  At times I am overwhelmed and exhausted and am left feeling like my days just run together but I deeply desire to be all that God would have me be in this life.  And though I am busy now, it won't be like this for long....before I know it my kids will be grown and I don't want to miss a thing along the way!  So, each day I try to rely on God...1 Corinthians 12:9 says "My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in your weakness"...he gets me through!  The Proverbs 31 woman is my hero and I want to be just like her!  I want to honor my husband and make him proud to call me his wife.  I want to raise happy children who know about Jesus.  I want to laugh, play and enjoy this life....making every day fabulous!  Life flies by...I choose to enjoy it!